April 5 2016

Finding Balance with writing and life

Camp nano 2016Camp NaNoWriMo. I can’t believe it’s already April 5th. It seems like just the other day I was preparing for Camp NaNoWriMo. Now there are only 2 days left in the first week. WOW!

Yesterday was definitely a Monday. Almost everything that could go sideways did, and yet out of the topsy-turviness of the day I ended up spending time doing something that I really needed to do–spend time with my grandson. Truth is, no matter how well you plan your day, sometimes life throws a curve ball and you can either catch it and throw it back, catch it and roll with it, or you can drop the ball…I chose to catch it and roll with it, which was hard to do at first.

My Daddy
My Daddy

Yesterday also marked the 41st anniversary of my father’s death. No matter how many years pass, on April 4th I feel like a seven year old child again. The grief, pain, sadness, and overwhelming feeling of loss has never went away, but dealing with it is easier. However, it is never easy. I took the picture of a picture of my father from when he was in the Army–he was young in this picture, and young when he died–at the age of 31.

My plans were to spend the day writing, art journaling, cleaning, taking a walk, having coffee, grabbing a quick bite to eat and reading, and then to go back to my writing. That did not happen. Not all of it, anyway. Though I am not happy with my word count for yesterday, or the lack of journaling my day, or the lack of cleaning…I did manage to get a few things done, plus I spent quality time with Mr. Rockstar and my daughter Ria, as well as with my grandson Mr. Viktor.

Viktor pretending to be a pirate on a pirate ship.
Viktor pretending to be a pirate on a pirate ship.

That’s what it’s really about…the moments. Small ones, big ones, happy ones, sad ones. No matter how old I get I will always miss my Daddy. I’ve been blessed to have had such wonderful parents. My Dad (stepdad) is an amazing person and I am so grateful that he came into our lives. He’s been a rock, a blessing, a role model, and a great parent, though he never tried to take my Daddy’s place.

I can boost my wordcount today, but if I hadn’t taken the time to have lunch with my husband and daughter I’d have missed out on that time. If I hadn’t taken the opportunity to pick my grandson up from daycare and then to have a snack and then go outside and play I’d have missed that time with him–time I couldn’t replace or make up for.

I also missed some time to write on Saturday in order to go to my parents house to celebrate my Mom’s birthday. My daughter and worked hard, my daughter especially, on clearing the grass and planting roses, putting rock down, etc so my mom now has her rose and rock garden. 😀 (I’ll have to take a picture of it the next time I’m there.) But I made up for that writing time on Sunday night. Now it’s time for me to get back to writing so I can make up for yesterday’s word count.

 

January 27 2016

Choosing to live… creatively

Since I started re-reading the Artist’s Way last week, several other things have come up that have shown me that starting the 12 week process is the right decision.

embrace struggle

Living creatively is and isn’t a choice, at least to me that’s how it feels. I am a creative person. Being creative, whether it’s DIY home projects, writing, creating art, journaling, art journaling, scrapbooking, poetry, reading, or photography is just who, what, and how I am. It’s a big part of how I’m wired.

As an INFP, I’m optimistic, open-minded, empathic, creative, introverted, passionate, enthusiastic (especially about creative things), resilient, dedicated, and intuitive, but I’m also too idealistic, impractical, too altruistic, I often don’t see the forest for the trees, I take things too personal, and I’m reserved, cautious, and self-conscious, which makes me hard to get to know.  I was born to be a writer, a creative person, some type of artist. I was born to help others. At least, that’s how it feels to me. Yet I know, now, that I tend to over extend myself. I tend to get overwhelmed and stressed out–and I do that to myself, usually.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA
OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

All of these things are part of why I made the decision to start the Artist’s Way 12 week “program” again. After my video went up about what I’m doing and why I got several comments. The response the video touched me and I thought, “Burgess, it’s time to do a giveaway. And you’re going to give the Artist’s Way to someone. So this Friday I’m going to draw one of the names from the people who responded to my video about the giveaway and send that person their very own copy of the Artist’s Way.

I’m going through a few things right now, one of which is being SICK! I feel like Death came calling and instead of taking me She just touched me with her Sickle and said, “Nope, just wanted you to see how it feels to be Death for a while.” Two, finding balance in your life is hard. No matter how much I try to take my writing seriously, so that others will as well, someone or something always tends to say or do something, or something happens, that makes me question it. It’s not a “real job,” or “writing/art isn’t going to pay the bills/isn’t paying the bills,” or “since you’re not working, could you…”. Then the negativity I already feel, the self-doubt and lack of self confidence rears its ugly head even higher and just laughs at me, and I feel like giving up.

its impossible

Depression is an ugly beat. When combined with anxiety it’s even uglier. A depressed person helping a depressed person is like the blind leading the blind. An anxious person with depression helping someone else who also has anxiety and depression–I’m not sure of what to say about that… I do know that I have to take a step back from the negativity, and be my own authentic self, and stop letting the anxiety, self-doubt, insecurities, and other things rule my life. It’s time to me to choose to live my life creatively, to live my own life, to stop people pleasing, to stop doubting myself and hold my head up high, and to take the bull by the horns and say, “I got this shit!”

I’m a writer. I have a real job, even if I don’t get paid for it yet. I am working on my novel. I am also living my life creatively. I spent over twenty years working in a field I hated but paid the bills and helped me provide for my children. Now that I don’t have to do that, I’m finally doing what I was meant to do. I’m probably going back to college, hopefully this summer.

It’s going to be hard, especially adjusting to all the changes, and for the people in my life to adjust to all the changes, but I have to do what is best for me.

Trust your own madness

Category: Anxiety, Around Here, Creativity, Family, Goals, Life, Living a Creative Life, Self-Doubt, The Artist's Way, Writing | Comments Off on Choosing to live… creatively
December 22 2015

Rain, Rain, Go Away…

Come again another day… Here in South Carolina we’ve had more than our fair share of rain this year. Today is no exception–it’s raining like crazy outside. My street is almost flooded–the right side is one big huge puddle, and the intersection is going to washout again if the rain doesn’t let up soon–they just got it fixed a month or so ago after the flood washed it out.

My Christmas shopping is done. I’m anxiously awaiting the last of the presents to arrive today and tomorrow via UPS, thanks to Amazon Prime I was able to get a few harder to find presents for my daughter and husband. Last year I said I wasn’t going to wait until December, but I did that exact thing this year. However, next year I am going to start shopping in August so that all I’m searching for in December are the stocking stuffer type presents.

When I was kid, I so looked forward to the little items in my stocking. We usually got things like nuts and fruit, chocolate,  small toys and books, along with a small gift–sometimes mine was a bracelet, a ring, a necklace, other times it was a watch. I remember being so excited one Christmas, I must have been five or six, when I got a Barbie watch that had different colored interchangeable bands. My daddy (who died when I was seven), helped me change the band so I could wear it all day on Christmas. I loved that watch. After that, there was the Snoopy watch, the Mickey Mouse Watch, and then later on it was “big people” watches like a Timex with the glow in the dark hands and numerals. I have a thing about watches. 😀

As I sit at my desk contemplating the gifts I’ve gotten those I love and hoping that I chose the right things–I’m a give-a-gift-that-means-something-or-screams-out-buy-me-for-this-person kind of giver. There have been years when I haven’t been able to give gifts, when I had to wait until after Christmas, and then there have been years when I’ve contributed to buying gifts for someone(s) because someone I love couldn’t afford to buy gifts for their children. Not to mention the years when my children spent four-six Christmases in a row with their dad out of state (we were supposed to trade off holidays, but for a while the only time he could get off, or the only time he wanted to take off, or something, was Christmas  and I couldn’t not let them have a good Christmas, spend time with their dad, even though it meant I was alone for all of those Christmases.

I hated the holidays for a long period of time–being alone during the holidays, or being in a relationship and still feeling alone is a horrible thing. Now that I’m with Mr. Rockstar I feel differently about the holidays. Our first Christmas together we had just moved into the house about six weeks prior to Christmas, and we barely had enough money for groceries (we ate a lot of Ramen noodles back then) but we managed to get one of those really small Christmas trees, the ones that are only about a foot tall, and decorate it with one string of lights and a few ornaments. An honest to goodness Charlie Brown Christmas tree. We bought each other small presents…$20 each, but I remember it being a wonderful holiday. I didn’t care about the amount we spent, I cared about us being together, about starting our own traditions for the holidays, and because of him, and then the next year my grandson was born in July, the holidays were once again a time for celebration.

I’m feeling a bit nostalgic, but I see a few birds out and about singing, so maybe the rain is going to let up. Either way, their song makes me feel better, more positive. There’s something about celebrating the holidays with your loved ones that gives  you that warm, fuzzy feeling inside, at least it does for me. I’m glad that I’m no longer a Bah Humbug kind of person about the holidays.

Now I’m excited about Christmas. Spending time with my family, good food, and watching them open the presents that we so carefully chose for them–and it’s not about the amount of money you spend, there were some presents that were in the $20 range that I’m more excited about than some of the more expensive presents.

Category: Around Here, Family, Holiday | Comments Off on Rain, Rain, Go Away…